Game Review: List of Recommended RPG's

Olde school storytelling

A few friends asked for recommendations on solid, plot-based, RPG's (for the Xbox 360, PS3, or very crappy PC), that don't require a pointless level grind. With this in mind I'd like to present you with a list of the best RPG's I've ever played. Yes, it's a fairly lengthy list but you'd probably rather spend 5 minutes reading about a game than invest hours and money on the back end. This list is entirely SPOILER FREE so you can read it and not have to worry about me ruining anything beyond how generally awesome these games are.

In writing this I've noticed that pretty much all J(apanese)-RPG's I've played have a lot of level grinding and had to be omitted...

MASS EFFECT (Series)
PC, PS3, XBox 360

There is a reason that the entire title is in bold. This is easily one of the best Sci Fi series ever seen or experienced. It has as much depth as the Star Wars Extended Universe and is only a mere 3 games long, compared to the 100's of books and dozens of video games in the SW Galaxy! What's more, it's made by the same people who did Baulder's Gate (sort of) so each save carries over from one game to the next, bringing with it the weight your prior decisions, and you can get the entire series in a bundle for around $30 which is a total steal!

Just how open ended is MASS EFFECT?

Why is this series great? No level grind. Tight main story. Lots of decisions that will affect the rest of the SERIES! That's right, if you capture the obscure side-quest bounty dead or alive in the beginning of the first game, that decision will carry over through the rest of the series! You might change his life and he might create a mercenary group dedicated to slaver prevention (he himself was enslaved as a kid) and help you out in the second game, or reappear in the third game to repay the favor of saving his life. Alternatively, he might be in a prison in the second game still, or escape and try to murder you based on other decisions you make. He can also just die because you killed him... Note: This specific scenario is purely hypothetical and not in the game so I can avoid spoiling anything.

It's the 1000's of little things like that which make the entire series remarkable. Also, next gen graphics, great music, and a great story line don't hurt either. The plot is so fantastic in my mind that I'm even writing two songs about powerful moments in the second game! I can't really reveal the story without spoiling the game for you beyond: Galaxy In Danger! Go save it! but it's strengths lie within being a storytelling game with strong companion interaction elements. Lastly, it's an action RPG so don't expect any of that turn-based stuff. If you like sci-fi at all do yourself a favor and buy this game. You'll be hard pressed to regret it.

Dragon Age: Origins
PC, PS3, XBox 360

A fantasy game with the same makers as MASS EFFECT (more or less). It plays like KOTOR (which i'm omitting from this list because I'm assuming that you've already played and beat them) or other real time RPG's but is actually just turn based just posing as real time. It's also very open ended. Seriously. You can be evil, good, or shades of grey and your decisions carry out through the rest of the game and subsequent expansions. Really. This game is all about the shades of grey and having to make really tough decisions you'll need to live with where there is generally no truly "good" decision. MASS EFFECT does this a lot, but I feel like Dragon Age was better at having decisions with no good outcome. Some of the 'lessor of two evils' scenarios are tough to work out in your head and I've found myself trying to do good or evil only to realize that I've done the opposite of what I intended because I didn't think far enough ahead (there are instances where the equivalent of a holocaust is actually considered kind of a good thing because of extreme circumstances and the whole "best good for most" principle).

"Well, sh*t! There goes the fruit harvest"

Dragon Age has some great game mechanics, lots of social interaction, good plot, and a really strange religion whereby man ventured into the realm of god (not ours), didn't show humility, and now god is trying to slowly kill humanity for their arrogance by sending an infection that turns people into demon-mutant things called Darkspawn. It's got every fantasy element you could possibly want (elves, werewolves, dragons) and the only awkward thing is the fact that the sequel: Dragon Age 2 isn't nearly as open ended at all, especially if if you're going to make "evil" decisions, and doesn't seem to take anything you did in Dragon Age: Origins into consideration. I'd say that the sequel felt really oddly linear and non-open ended when compared to Origins or the "Awakening" expansion (which is totally worth it), and even though they'd improved the combat system a lot in the sequel I was displeased with the lack of options and the lack of things that crossed over from the first game. it was also very black or white in terms of good/evil, which was lame. Perhaps my expectations from Dragon Age: Origins were just unreasonable. Perhaps I should have just not expected anything more then an solid linear RPG with redundant levels, horrible loading times, and a fairly good plot in Dragon Age 2...

"Not the face!"

Dragon Age: Origins is fairly old and retails for ~$15-$20. I can't stress enough that if you like fantasy at all that this game is completely worth your time (though you can skip the sequel entirely)! Oh, and as a word of the wise mages are awesome in this game. You should probably play one of those and never play a 2 handed-weapon wielding warrior, because they're just not fun to play. No one I know who chose 2 handed weapon warrior said to themselves "Wow, what an excellent choice of class I've made," because it's not that good. One last thing I forgot to mention... The first hour or three of the game is completely different based on the class/race you've picked. So an extremely high replay value! Here's to hoping Dragon Age: Inquisition (3) lives up to this gem.

The Witcher (Series)
PC, PS3, XBox 360
(or The Witcher 2, both are good and you don't really need to play them in order. Available on GOG.com!!!)

The story of a lone hero

While the above games are "collaborative epic fantasy/sci-fi" where you walk around with a team of dear companions, the Witcher is about one amazing monster hunting badass going solo to save the world from great evils. This is the game that influenced a lot of how I (and by proxy my band) look at what monster hunting should be like... (Castlevania being the other major influence). The main character is amazing (depending on how you play the game), diverse (depending on how you play the game), and dark (no matter how you play the game). Another HUGELY open ended experience where you can randomly declare someone is a witch and have them executed just for looking at you funny. There are lots of dialogue options and you can either lone wolf the game something akin to a Germanic monster hunting loner, or socialize it up and have every maiden in the land swooning over you (and more if that's your thing). The Witcher is much like an old German Grimm fairly tale in feel (in all the awesome ways), and was the great monster hunting epic I was waiting for! I know i'm being redundant but it even references things like Koschei (an ancient spider for some reason) and has a super-detailed alchemy system that would give Professor Snape a run for his money! Like the above, no level grind. One thing that separates this series completely from other games is the combat system which is timing based and involves swapping weapons based on what you're fighting (silver for magical creatures, steel for mortals, etc), switching fighting styles, stances, etc... The combat system has a place in my heart because it reminds me of all the German Long sword training I know and is again "Timing Based", where you need to click the attack button at the right times to make the best use of your enemies' openings! My only complaint is the loading times on my crappy computer, but that's probably my fault. I really can't wait to see what Witcher 3 looks like!

Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
and Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim!
PC, PS3, XBox 360

A typical random encounter in Skyrim

Where Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind was a completely open ended world you could do ANYTHING you wanted, it was really hard to find out where you were going, where the next quest was, and often times you'd accidentally kill someone important to one of the game's faction quests (the thieves guild, fighter's guild, mage's guild, and others have you kill important members of rival factions). Oblivion and Skyrim make the series playable to the more casual gamer and are basically a giant open world with a rich plot, super rich back story to the world (lengthy books are available within the game similar to MASS EFFECT and Dragon Age), and a world you can actually explore and find things that your friends may have never come across. It's pretty dapper like that. For instance, Helios told me a rumor about a cave in the center of an island where the vampires dwell. Having never seen them I follow his verbal landmarks and found the creepy-as-hell guild hideout and was admitted (to their guild) on the spot for finding their secret base, which had been hinted at in various books throughout the game and by certain characters who would talk about vampires. These games have a good story but it's not really the central focus somehow, so don't think of them as being story-driven, though it's certainly rich in story. You'll know what I mean when you play it.

Storming the very gates of Oblivion!

The focus of the game is mostly exploring a great world and becoming whatever you want. By the way: Always make your own custom class! Just trust me on this. If you want to murder people and steal their loot you can. If you want to be the best wizard ever they have a story arc built into it for that. If you want to save the world from the armies of Oblivion (a kind of hell), you can become a crusader and do so. If you want to be the king of insanity... well, you get the picture. The main plot is oddly optional (once you beat it, the game continues on like nothing happened) and, get ready for it... the game levels up with you, and you only level up skills that you use, which makes for a really neat character creation/leveling system. You should be aware that the games feature strict real time combat and, once again, it has a HUGE back-story for the series that ties all the way into the original Elder Scrolls (an ancient PC game that's for the less casual gaming crowd).
So what's the difference between the two games?

Graphical Comparison

Oblivion: Traditional fantasy setting, older than Skyrim (worse graphics), nice story, nice guilds, but probably is neigh unplayable if you've played Skyrim because Skyrim is so much more pretty (unless you get it for PC and install the various beautification mods that enhance the graphics, which will take you a few hours). Also, no real dialogue options, just a sort of linear "here's the story, go affect the world in any way you'd like." It's well written and you've got many ways to accomplish a given task, including an extensively customized magic/item creation system, so in spite of a linear plot you will still feel like you're in control for the most part, you just might not care as much. Oh, I should also mention that quests within each guild get progressively more and more awesome and don't kill your chances of joining another guild. You can beat the entire game 100% in one play through. Stick with each guild quest chain if you start one because they get fantastic! Lastly, try to get the "Ultimate Edition" or anything that says "Includes Shimmering Isles Expansion." You'll thank yourself later.

Skyrim: Norse Themed RPG where you ultimately Hunt Dragons. It's fairly recent ($), perhaps one of the best fantasy RPG's of all time (up there with Dragon Age, better graphically, but no comparably "deep" companion interaction, though you can get married and have kids if that's your thing). Where the above games are all more about interpersonal relationships, this series is about decisions and exploration. That's not to say that the characters don't have depth, because they have lots of depth. Their paths just don't interact with yours to the same degree as other games so you don't become too attached. There is some chatter, but it's far from the game's focus. The alternate skill-use based leveling mechanic is also really cool and creative. Skyrim reintroduces dialogue to the Elder Scrolls series and allows for multiple quest options. You can be evil or good and the game doesn't zing you (No +5 evil, +4 good!) or make these decisions have any big effect on the rest of the game (beyond the quest and a few missions related to that quest that follow) but it's still really nice to have an option at the end of almost every quest. As with the above i'll advise you to pick EITHER a proficiency in light OR heavy armor, not both. Pick your skills carefully because there are no "do overs." Also be ready to have literally a half dozen ways to accomplish almost every task (Skyrim has one of the better stealth systems in gaming!)
Both games are well written, just expect to follow a predestined story as opposed to controlling the story (aka, it's just like any rpg prior to 1999 or the entire critically acclaimed Final Fantasy series).  Comical aside: Even corporate rivals like Square-Enix and EA have admitted in press conferences that Bethesda's Skyrim is pretty much the gold standard of current gen RPG's and readily admit that it's the RPG by which all other RPG's will be judged.

Fallout 3 (collector's edition) or Fallout: New Vegas
PC, PS3, XBox 360

The same game style as Elder Scrolls (same company) only set in a post apocalyptic 1950's Mad Max setting with laser guns, robots, and sharply dressed villains. It's kooky, dark, funny, and scary at different parts which means it has good diversity. It plays in real time but has a feature called V.A.T.S. where you can target your opponents in a turn-based style move and watch a cinema of the action in a sequence similar to the new "Sherlock Homes" films. The plot is about finding your dad, Leim Neison, who left home: An underground fallout shelter put into use just before the Chinese nuked the US. It has a fairly straight forward good/evil meter that follows your every action, and the quests are fairly diverse. My only regret is that most of the quests feel like the same quest with the difference of a single dialogue option at the end, or a different lever you switch (one kills stuff, one saves it, etc). It's a very fun game series and one of the best post apocalyptic games I've ever seen (I don't mean to bunch the two games together in one explanation, I just didn't get enough time with New Vegas for a solid review of it). It's also one of the best sand boxes I've ever played in. Just watch out for the radiation! Also, just an FYI, if you start playing with New Vegas they made a number of improvements to the series that make going back to Fallout 3... difficult...

V.A.T.S. can't save you from a mutated bear!

Fallout 2 
PC only (old game that has minimal requirements and is available on GOG.com!!!)

Justin Sweet's amazing art for Fallout 2

This is the original story driven open-ended game for your home computer. It's awesome.
It looks like Diablo 2 (isometric top/down view), doesn't have leveling/grinding requirements, and 90% of the time combat, even the 2nd to last boss fight, can be completely avoided. It can be turn based or an action-rpg with the click of a button in "options," it's got some nice voice acting, and is incredibly open ended... and dark... Did I mention that it's really sinister and dark? Entire cities enslaved through drugs. It contains prostitution, slavers, and child labor! You can become a washed out boxer turned junkie if you play your cards wrong. Fallout has a really weird world with a very Mad Max feel to it (same fallout world as seen above, only much darker). I personally preferred this game to Fallout 3 because there's a lot more dialogue and combat felt more optional which fit my character build, unlike in Fallout 3 where you need a combat specialty to be effective.

Lots of references to things you love.

Oh, you can also target people's body parts (crotch and eyes included) with your attacks, which is very cool (see V.A.T.S. in Fallout 3) because you can force people to move slower, drop weapons, etc... Lastly, it has lots of references to pop culture, sci fi, Monty Python (like a "bridgekeeper who asks you three questions") in its random encounters. If you can get through the first hour of gameplay (character creation and plot introduction) you will likely be hooked for life... There's a game called Fallout 1 that many enjoyed but I never was able to get a working copy of. I'd still recommend for a die hard fan of the Fallout series because of the sheer volume of recommendations from my friends.

Arcanum: Magic Works and Terra Obscura
PC only (old game that has minimal requirements now available on GOG.com!!!)

A super-sweet 3rd person RPG (isometric top-down view ala Diablo 2) with D2/Fallout 2 era graphics and minimal level grind requirements. Like with fallout 2 you can switch from turn based to real time game in the menu screen but where Fallout 2 focuses on specialty perks you have some incredibly diverse super powers at your disposal that dramatically affect gameplay. As far as fantasy games go four friends of mine (and many of the designers of Project Eternity) describe this as the best of its type. Period. I'm hard pressed to disagree. The only thing you might find frustrating is if you don't focus your hard-earned experience points on talents that boost your ability to "hit" things.
Aside on power-leveling in Arcanum: There's a place in the game early on where you can level up to the max level in about 20 minutes of level-grinding (It's called "Liam's cabin") so leveling in this game doesn't really have to be an issue if you find yourself getting overpowered regularly. I normally avoid this exploit though because it's generally not needed.

Unique dialogue options for characters who were "raised by wolves"

Build giant spiders just
like the ones in Wild Wild West

Arcanum has a really detailed plot, a riveting main story arc where people think you're the incarnate of an Elven deity, regardless of your current physical form. It boasts dozens of quest options for every place of importance you go, most of which affect the ending of the game. It also has lots of hidden locations on the world map, hundreds of side quests, and... Did I mention it has some good voice acting too? It's not fully voiced but the characters with voices do the game justice. The way you play the game also strongly effects your experience in the game world, giving it high replay value. You can be a skill specialist (fighting/healing/stats/etc), Mage, or Technologist (build potions, giant mechanical spiders, guns, etc) and the entire world is based around the fact that science and magic cannot function together. Your alignment towards either (or neither) affects this. Your race (elf, dwarf, halfling, human, half-human, half-orc, half-ogre) and gender also strongly affects social interactions with just about every person in the game, and if your intelligence is too high/low, or if you take a strange character background at the start of the game (stuff like "Snake Handler's Kid" "Raised by Wolves" and "Idiot Savant") the entire game has some new dialogue options just for you. Oh, and of course you can be good/evil/selfish-mercenary/neutral/stupid. For instance, the main characters all yelled at me because I played a mentally handicapped Half-Ogre. In addition to their hatred (because I was half ogre and most people in that game are racist), almost everyone in the game tried to take advantage of me for personal gain, spoke in all caps, and (I kid you not) one of the main good characters actually said "YOU GO HERE [points to a place on your map] AND MAKE ALL THE BAD GUYS DEAD! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" without even giving me a reason why I was supposed to help him beyond the promise of shiny things and tasty food. That interaction (as with most key characters in the game) was also fully voice acted...

You can disintegrate things (really, its awesome!), build/interact with dozens of deep party members (or not), bring the souls of the dead back from the abyss just to chat with them (and they have completely new/unique dialogue options because they are aware of being dead) and other things make this game truly a gem. Like with MASS EFFECT/Dragon Age it's very character interaction based (fallout 2 is like that as well), and the entire game's soundtrack is an amazing cello quintet by Ben Hogue, one of my all time favorite soundtracks in gaming. You will not be let down by this game... unless you build your character poorly in character creation and get eaten by wolves.

Baulder's Gate
PC only (old game that has minimal requirements now available on GOG.com!!!)

Universally accepted as the best pre-1999 traditional fantasy RPG by just about everyone, Baulder's Gate laid down much of the ground work for fallout 2 and Arcanum. As with its successors there are lots of social interactions, a turn based vs real time button, but instead of a steampunk or broken 1950's world Baulder's Gate focuses on the DnD world. It also uses the D&D 2.0 rule set and you can either build a team of people in multiplayer or seek companions you can regularly interact with, most of which are voiced (one of which has a magical hamster). This was one of the first games to allow you to truly affect affect your team and their views on the world (one of my favorite features in MASS EFFECT and Dragon Age) because the same company made all three games (sort of). Technically there's a minimal Level Grind in this series but it can be avoided by going through the "open ended world" in the order the game suggests. What's that mean? It means that when they tell you to go somewhere first, that's where your characters would be best suited going to (based on your level), so don't deviate too much on the world map unless you're looking for a real challenge early on in the game.

If graphics and gameplay have minimum standards for you to play a game, go to GOG.com and download the patch that upgrades BG 1 to the same graphics as BG 2 and merges the two games into a nonstop experience of awesome. You should probably just do that anyways because the plot from the first game and your saved game from the first game can carry over directly into 2, which starts at the very end of 1. Oh and be sure you save your files after BG2 because they also export to Icewindale and Never Winter Nights!

Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines 
PC only

You play as a vampire in the VTM world (very dark) where the old testament God made Cain the first vampire and his grand children 23 times removed are vampires living in 1999. It's a "period piece" game set in 1999 (real time action rpg) where the bleak world is coming to an end and everyone is afraid of Y2K. Your goal is to survive, not be noticed as a vampire in the human city of LA, and try to stop this world from ending while getting involved in lots of politics (blood feuds, vampire socialites vs anarchists, werewolves, demons, etc). There's a fair amount of replay value here because your "breed" of vampire and dialogue options and play style but the game is more affected by your style of play. For instance, I was a crazy, well-intentioned, sooth-sayer vampire who wound up talking to stop signs (no, really), loved order (instead of anarchy), and was out to save the world from destruction (Note: I got the "cool" ending).

There are also varying degrees of good and evil actions you can follow in the game that affect your character's morality. As far as level grind, you only put points into "talents" and there are 5 max points you can put into any talent, so in under 5 levels you can max out fighting and in 5 more you can max out health if you're concerned only with combat, which is real time. Speaking of which, I recommend using guns... a lot... A few fights towards the end of the game involve flying enemies or people with guns in long hallways... and I took hand to hand combat, regretting every moment of it... Anyway, it's a fantastically deep world, it's fully voiced, it's fun, and does a good job at being creepy and bleak without lapsing into what most would call emo. It's got a variety of locations from the city streets of LA, to run down tenements, to haunted houses, to beaches, to sewers, to the Danger Danger Gallery in Philly, er... I mean a Nosforatu lair. The music is also really worn and fitting.

Bioshock
PC, PS3, XBox 360

An action RPG FPS with super powers! In a distopian alternative 1960's themed game that questions capitalism, socialism, free will, and God you go to "Rapture", an underwater city free from the confines of taxes or morality, and try to survive as you're hunted by Splicers (those who have modified their genes so much that they've lost their frail grip on reality). Entirely unlike Bioshock Infinite it's survival horror. Most people would also agree that you should only play the sequel, Bioshock 2, if you don't mind following the same general model a second time, told through a slightly less powerful story.

Bioshock is powerful, has a great story (which is hard to understand until halfway through the game but stick with it!), and is a good example of a society without law. It's completely linear, there are no dialogue options, but I wasn't upset by this because it's got a lot of options as to how you play. If you think of it as a more of a survival-horror FPS (very limited ammo) and less of an RPG it's very open. You can hack robots, shoot things, not shoot things, use only a crowbar to bash in the skulls of your enemies, or use ADAM, which is a form of superpower people can inject into themselves. Leveling also isn't important in this one so long as you tag skills fitting of your style of play. It's basically an HD remake of System Shock 2 with a new plot, set in 1960. Don't look this one up online though or you'll instantly bump into some massive spoilers.

Psychonauts
PC, Xbox but backwards compatible

"I work for the road crew."
"My red sign helps me work on the road."

Technically more of an adventure/action game than an RPG, Psychonauts is one of the best kid-friendly stories I've ever played. It's surprisingly deep and remarkably fun. You play as a kid training to be a Psychonaut, a soldier who can enter the minds of the enemy, and you're at a sort of summer camp to become one. The gameplay revolves around you entering the minds of people and running amok in their imaginations. It's fully voiced, stylized, lots of fun, and completely strange. It almost feels like a mix of Hey Arnold (awkward kid-friendly social interactions), Invader Zim (same lead voice actor, lots of really weird moments), and maybe a Tim Burton film (in a very good way). There's a wide diversity of locations in the game (science labs, spooky castles, Tokyo) and it's (again) fully voiced with a top notch group of voice actors and great music. Just beware of the soul crushing difficulty spike at the final boss.

System Shock 2 
PC only (an old game that has minimal requirements now available on GOG.com!!!)

It's the precursor to Bioshock, Dead Space, and Portal, all in one. Imagine a large dark ship where your only friend is a woman locked on the bridge of the ship. She's watching you through video cameras, telling you how to set things right, and make good your mutual escape through a busted intercom system. You both are opposed by the ship's AI, a humorless voice that basically tells you to sit tight and wait for your oxygen supply to run out. System Shock 2 is the very definition of a survival horror rpg/fps and just like Bioshock you can go full FPS, full stealth-crowbar-FPS, rely solely on your psychic super-powers, any mix of all of the above, and level up your skills appropriately.

Something has gone wrong on the Von Braun

 It's fantastic, a masterpiece, and is directly responsible for the masterpieces that are Bioshock and Dead Space. I even wrote a few songs about this game! While the graphics are a bit dated this game still delivers thrills, jumps, and scares better than most modern games (aka the Resident Evil series after RE3) and has one of my favorite soundtracks! There's also some extremely good level design that's gone into it that makes you feel like you're on a real spaceship that wasn't designed by idiots who were looking to add needless levels to a video game. I mention that because I hate hallway simulators and this isn't one. You should also play this game because the series has repeatedly been credited as having the #1 Video Game Villain of All Time (or #2, second to Kefka in some instances)! This game is very near and dear to me and perhaps you'll understand why after you've played it. But... If I told you anything more I'd risk spoiling something. Get it...

Red Dead Redemption
PS3, XBox 360

Lastly, I recommend a western game where you play as a gunslinger looking to redeem himself (as the title implies). Sure it's Grand Theft Auto with horses, but the setting is fantastic. You can dastardly tie women to train tracks, you can sell moonshine, you can be the lone ranger (it's actually more fun as the good guy). The story is one of the better ones in gaming. The gameplay is neigh flawless (though they certainly pit you up against a lot of enemies at times and you'll find yourself killing off entire populations of bandits), the voice acting is fantastic, and the soundtrack is really good. The true beauty I think you'll find though is in the setting.

Bounty Hunting Side Quest: "Dead or Alive"

While you're going places, your "partner" or companions will chatter with you about "modern" politics: Things like "The gov't shouldn't be allowed to send a law man into our town and tell us how to run things" or "Ya' know some guy tried to get me to put my money into a FEDERAL bank?! I'd never trust such a thing" or other really deep moral, political, and philosophical thoughts of the day... Like women suffrage. Why do I classify this in a list of RPG's? Because it plays like one and has a deep plot akin to one, and when I want to play an RPG this game feels like it's in that category, though the main story is extremely linear. It's quaint, different, and grasps the deep setting well. At worst it's an amazing sandbox with a solid plot you can completely ignore with a really fun multiplayer mode. Last but not least, make sure you get the Red Dead Zombie expansion, which is included in the game of the year edition at no extra charge!

So that's my list. They are all good depending on what mood you're in. All of these games have massive spoilers so beware looking them up on things like wikipedia. I'd suggest the games' official sites or just outright buying them.

Pen & Paper: My Ever-Dying Character List

My role-playing career (as anything except a GM or DM) has been filled with short lived and extremely unlucky characters. Needless to say, here is a synopsis of my life's experiences compiled for your amusement...

My introduction to role playing was a 1 on 1 game with my childhood friend Julian who was running a pen and paper game... only without the pen or paper because we were only 7 or 8 at the time, I was illiterate, and neither of us owned dice. One afternoon he posed a question asking if I had an imagination and wanted to play a game of words and hypothetical situations. Not quite sure what he was talking about, I agreed and was instantly thrust into the life of an orc named Bleu He (a play on the word "Hebrew") with no real depth or description beyond "a green skinned orc warrior." The game ended almost immediately when the Julian informed me that I had entered a human village because my reaction (having just played Warcraft 2 just moments before) was to kill everything in sight and burn the village. Before the town guard caught up to me and ended my career, three maidens, two peasants, and twenty four elementary school students had been defeated by my hand in glorious combat. Bleu He didn't learn anything from the experience, but I learned a bit about how the game worked and how I needed to be thinking about self-preservation, lest my character die.

A few minutes later I created a new character known as "Jarvis The Chosen One," a blond haired knight who had fulfilled a prophecy of some sort by killing orcs that were attacking his village (I didn't see the humor in this at the time). Jarvis's extremely lengthy career (lasting a full day) consisted of him being hunted by evil knights with glowing eyes and glowing swords who seemed to burn every village he traveled to, fighting undead, exploring a ghost pirate ship, being chased by a Zaratan, killing the Zaratan, stopping evil priests from doing something vague but certainly evil, traveling through time to cure world hunger, and finally facing off against a multicolored dragon that seemed to be controlling the evil knights in the present time (for Jarvis). Having little knowledge of dragons at the time I thought it'd be a great idea to charge the beast directly, not fully understanding that dragons breathed fire. Lesson learned... Thus ended the career of Jarvis The Chosen One... Burned to death by multi-colored flames.

The next month I wanted to play again, this time as yet another nondescript character. Keep in mind that this was strictly a verbal game of storytelling without dice, probabilities, or any visual reference beyond our minds and i'm admittedly a non-visual thinker. I was a "bodyguard" (a word I didn't even understand at that age) in modern times with a gun who worked at a science lab. After some stuff went bad at the lab (hissing sounds, explosions, and flashing lights which it turned out were not a surprise birthday/rave party) I found myself trapped inside one of the rooms with an ill described monster-thing (which, in retrospect, it's release was a direct result of Jarvis's time traveling antics). As the thing slowly walked towards me breathing heavily and being generally creepy, I tried to escape the room through a giant glass window that led to the greater lab areas. I tried poking the glass, kicking the glass, and body-slamming the glass which landed me straight on my tailbone. As I laid on the ground, paralyzed with pain the monster killed me. It was about 12 seconds after being consumed that I realized that I had a gun... Lesson 3: Always write down what's in your inventory...

Julian started to get bored of my deaths and I became the regular GM in our group of friends. A few months later, Julian moved away, but before he left I was able to play one last game with him. I was a member of a super-advanced alien race (that doesn't age and that has unlimited patience) which wanted to observe other species. It was my job to monitor and test inferior races to see if we might want to contact them and invite them to our grand interstellar alliance. As the lucky alien assigned to "Earth" I somehow wound up capturing a few subjects and changed my form to match theirs (as I was bi-pedal and about the same size it wasn't that tough). Apparently I found out the hard way that my alien symbol for peace resembled the middle finger to the human race and was forced to mind-wipe my subjects and return them to their homes in Texas. I wasn't sure why I'd chosen to invade Texas (of all places), but he let that bit of information slip mid-game. Weird. After that, I somehow managed to capture the president (of Texas?) by beaming up a section of the (Texan?) White House, but during my escape into the atmosphere my ship was crippled by Texan gunfire just as I jumped to hyper-space. (I'll admit at this point that I might not have been the right alien for the job and wasn't the brightest tool in the shed...)

Because my warp-drive was sentient it helped me avoid an instant death and instead I crash landed on an alien world where giant zerg creatures that built colonies out of mucus attacked my ship. We (the president, secret service, and myself) survived the attacks by working together and preventing the creatures from getting on board while I worked to repair the ship. We eventually had to leave the ship to get a few parts and traveled through the old sewer system left behind by the older races. It was long overrun by the bug-creatures but we ultimately escaped. I remember noting that no real "boss" aliens were seen, just a few larger bug-things. I think the real strength of the enemy was in their numbers and many of the secret service guys died during the journey. So, after saving the president the human race overlooked the whole "you tried to kidnap and perform all sorts of horrible experiments on us" thing and our races became friends. I guess he was the president of Earth (perhaps Texas took over the world?) or something. Anyways, we took a sample of the bug-monsters for study (which I realized later is the monster that killed my previous character), advanced the human race centuries into the future with our technology, cured world hunger (a common theme in Julian's games), and lived happily ever after. I was starting to get the hang of Role Playing games it seemed...

It would be at least two years later (middle school) until I played my next game as a Player Character, this time with a new group of friends. My character (a nondescript human) was devoutly evil, betraying his king, his race, and home by helping the arch-fiend (generic bad guy overlord #1)'s minions enter the walled city through a hidden passage I somehow knew about. Once the forces of evil (grey-skinned humanoids) destroyed the city I was given rank within the bad guy forces and became the bad guy that the other PCs were working against. It was a game of paranoia where (having read many of the D&D Monster Manuals) I would regularly stab at my shadow, or strike people while yelling 'Doppeganger!' The game ended abruptly when I killed all of the other players involved (who were not playing concurrently, but rather in a series of 1-1 or 1-2 sessions) and I was told "congratulations, you beat the game!" Lesson learned: Killing everyone else involved generally ends the game.

At one point Julian returned to town for a few days and when we were extremely bored I played a Zaratan. I did all sorts of cool things that a giant turtle with ESP would do... I took long naps, ate wayward sailors, submerged myself every few thousand years as people would try to build civilizations on my back, and hit on female turtles. It was pretty baller... All of this ended when I tried to eat a guy on a boat, followed him all the way home to his village and was murdered in an oddly familiar way. I was admittedly feeling a foolish after I'd realized what had happened, and we went back to playing Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64 or a board game he'd designed out of legos and balsa wood. I don't think I learned any real lessons from playing this game except perhaps a few fun facts about turtles and their courtship rituals.

Unspeakable Evil!

I played a few goofy one-off session characters like a vampire who could hypnotize people upon eye contact (so i'd frequently challenge them to staring matches or say something like "Why don't you say that to my face?"), a pipe-organ bard (who admittedly didn't get out or do much of anything), and various PC-hunting foils that I would be asked to play from time to time. By this point there was not very much simultaneous play, just a series of 1-1 sessions affecting the same world where the plot is generally to kill the other players (at least from my perspective). I'd bribe bar-keeps to poison them, I'd pay beggars to give hand-drawn treasure maps to other players that would lead them to their doom, I actively financed dungeons, mercenary bands, and death-traps. I'd trap treasure chests (generally to release explosive or poisonous gas), I'd swap out signposts at forks in the road, and I'd build diverse splinter-cell factions of evil in every town I came across. I think the other resident GM (besides me) just ran out of ideas and wanted someone else to make challenges in his world because after a while it felt like I was the real villain in the game... Eventually the players put together my Professor Moriarty-like schemes, sought me out, and I found myself entering into a duel with one of the other characters (against my will I assure you). It was at that time that we concluded that we'd need some sort of system by which to manage player vs player combat beyond the GM arbitrarily saying "you hit" or "you don't." We tried a few systems like "I'm thinking of a range of numbers between 1 and 100," but this fell short of fairness. We concluded that since we called our game DnD we might as well learn how the real D&D (in it's shiny new 3rd edition) was played since we were now over the age of 12 (the minimal age requirement for playing). Because of an idiotic episode of 60 minutes and the 1982 film Mazes and Monsters a few of my friends had to stop playing when their parents found out we were converting to the real game.

Dual Wielding Ranger

Our first D&D game was run by our older friend, Tom, who had a well established world that was in the D&D 3.0 system which supposedly had almost become some kind of expansion book made by Wizards of the Coast/TSR. My character (well described, per my interest in completely filling out the detailed character sheet) was a gothic black-haired ranger with a hatred of plants, animals, and the proletariat I dubbed "the Red Terror." Armed with a hammer (medium weapon), a sickle (small weapon, important for dual wielding bonuses), awesome stat rolls, and a hatred of the outdoors it didn't seem like anything could go wrong... But because I had really bad luck at the whole "roll the dice" thing it didn't seem to matter how intelligently I played my character because I walked into more traps than cross-dressing bingo night. I'd volunteered to keep the night-watch only to critically fail the first roll and immediately fall asleep, I failed all of my intuitive direction rolls (making me a useless ranger), and critically failed a "knowledge divine" check that ultimately caused me to put my hand into the mouth of a statute when I thought I saw something shiny inside... The bite that followed killed The Red Terror immediately. In short, I was almost entirely useless largely because of my bad rolls, partly because I didn't have enough points in useful skills (but I could speak 7 languages). So I learned that you need to put some extra thought into making your character statistically useful or you won't last long no matter how well you role-play.

Wild Antics

The above experience was pretty demoralizing, so it would be a few years before I'd pick up the dice and try again... I played as a short gnome (even for gnomes) rogue named Swa Malescar Ekal Vizie-Vare the Twenty-Third, whose bad luck and misfortune was legendary among my social circles. Swa, a noble who left the high life after her mad uncle tried to murder her, was a well intentioned chaotic good character with a case of kleptomania (per the GM's specification). Posing as a traveling dwarf knight with a bucket helmet, and a beard of goat-fur, every roll I seemed to make resulted in taking me one step closer to death. For instance, critically failing a basic depth perception check while trying to use a parachute (don't ask), the GM being polite and saying I landed on a hay bale in enemy territory, critically failing a much needed stealth check to avoid detection from the guards who heard my impact, succeeding in my jump check to avoid getting caught and jumping out of what I thought was a first story window only to land in a moat. After critically failing while trying to swim in the moat, being "rescued" and tied up by the evil uncle (who happened to be there for some reason), failing to roll over "5" on a 20 sided dice with my 3 "escape artist" attempts, and failing a few other really key rolls shortly after, I was sacrificed on an alter to some evil deity he worshiped.

On a Boat

This was a part of a series of one on one games to try and get a better understanding of the mechanics of D&D with my friend Justin, when we went on a summer-long boat trip up the east coast of the US. Next I tried a Stone Giant character who was crushed to death by a herd of buffalo I accidentally startled, then a bug-controlling wizard who was beaten to death by peasants with newspapers and pitchforks after casting what I didn't realize was a harmful 'area of effect' spell in the middle of town after I got into a bar fight. Next a Lawfully good Paladin who considered "consorting with evil" a capital offense (I didn't fully understand alignment at the time) who the king had executed for treason despite my sound logic, and finally a Golumn-crafting sorcerer who didn't do a whole lot after I finally earned the ability to craft Golumns. The "Golumn Goddess" was sort of an interesting character because it took ALL summer to earn enough xp/gp to start crafting Golumns. The GM had me start off as a servant (who incidentally had magical powers) doing super-mundane household cleaning quests for noble families. Over the course of three weeks (in real time) I worked my way out of cleaning homes and worked as an apprentice blacksmith in the most mundane campaign ever conceived. I made HORSE SHOES for the next week, worked my way up to armor, eventually got better than the blacksmith I worked for, and reached level 12, having never entered into combat or any vaguely life-threatening situation. I was forced to "retire" the character as a master armorer, who ran a shop surrounded by hidden Golumns in a peaceful merchant town after my friend told me he had no ideas for a serious story line for that character now that I had Golumns. Justin later went on to work for city services (in real life) as a maintenance guy doing all of the chores he'd described for my character... He still doesn't have the ability to craft Golumns.

Characters Slightly More Useless Than My SWG: Teras Kasi Master!

Then, after finally getting used to the mechanics of D&D I was reintroduced back into the world of multiplayer (3+ people) role-playing games through Vampire The Masquerade... which uses a completely different ruleset. A good friend at the time was running a game and lent me the books for a week before the game. I spent a day and a half learning the system and making my first character, only to die about twenty minutes into the first session after one of the other player characters thought my character concept was stupid and shot me with a flamethrower. 

In his defense my character was a deranged and mentally unstable vampire (which is sort of the point with Malkavians, one of the main character options) but I was forced to create a new character while everyone else progressed with the story... I was specifically by the GM asked to make a character with a deep backstory that would work well with the other characters. I was also asked to avoid creating a combat-heavy guy "just because." Cool! Character depth was not really a new concept to me but I'd never tried intentionally making a combat-useless character before so I came up with Gav, a rich artist with lots of contacts whose only weapon was a lighter and a canister of silly string... Incidentally vampires are extremely flammable so this worked out alright. I sprayed, lit, and fled at the first mention of combat with maximum efficiency! However, I seemed to botch all of my diplomacy rolls (though the words I said were not poorly chosen), and generally found myself speeding home in my econo-Prius in frustration after the team would tell me to take the night off. Once home I'd horribly botch my craft-art rolls and feel bad about myself. Perhaps this guy was a bit too realestic... Once we realized that main story was going to turn south on us (the 'prince', who hired us to investigate a series of seemingly unrelated crimes was the bad guy, setting us up as the fall guys) I bough a bunch of C4 from my 'contacts', liberally "operated" on one of the vampire PC's (to where he had C4 inside himself and was able to heal up the wounds using "blood points") and drove away in my econo-Prius as he gave the prince a hug and detonated the C4. The whole experience sort of left a sour taste in my mouth (a lazy GM and a group of players that thought I was a bad RP'er because I rolled poorly) and I didn't play as anything except a GM using D20 systems for the next few years.

Castle Ravenloft...Vania (Instruction Booklet)

At one point my college family invited me to play a game, so I played a greatsword wielding monster-hunter in an extremely enjoyable Castle Ravenloft campaign. This was a "to the letter of the book" campaign that I found insanely fun and won't go into detail about because other people will undoubtedly try to play the game would appreciate a lack of spoilers. The campaign ended abruptly after some sort of social fo-pah I wasn't a part of that ended with the GM breaking up with the leader of the social circle. Hrm... A few years after that I played as a psychic Pokemon Trainer in a Pokemon Role Playing game which was pretty awesome! Before you judge me, let me explain that I was able to possess people or pokemon, temporarily steal their abilities, and use sed abilities in any body that I possessed (except my own). The party received countless benefits, shout outs, free gifts, won the lottery, twice, and won every battle we took part in because no opposing Pokemon Trainer was able to issue attacks to their pokemon (whom I would possess). No one suspected the little "fainting" paraplegic kid in the wheelchair was behind it all, and we got away with outright murder (technically suicide, but the jumpers were unaware until after they'd jumped) in one or two instances. Sadly my mind-war of terror (that the other players were genuinely oblivious of thanks to an awesome note-passing system the GM allowed) was cut short when a wild Scyther impaled me through the chest, killing the 15 year old boy. He died with no regrets and I learned the importance of 'bug spray.'

Sometimes Games are Broken

My last conventional D&D game (as a player character) was a brush with 4e. I got to play a gnome fighter named Malachite and abuse just about all of the cantrips given to me. I'd magehand arrows from the quiver of archers, magehand a short sword or giant beach towel to distract enemies, prestidigitation the smell of bowl movements upon my enemies when I'd make intimidation rolls, etc. It was all going really well until I missed a game and in that week the entire party died. I told them that if they would have waited for me I could have certainly slain any monster, but in actuality I was only level 3 so it's unlikely that it would have made much of a difference. There's something to be said for the great balancing act of combat, especially in instances where PC's have no other option (e.g. a giant mono directional cave system) but to fight.

Picture From Blizzard HQ

My last Roleplaying experience (as a PC) was a fantastically run Call of Cthulu themed Nemesis-System (D10) game. My character was a mob hitman who got pulled into a giant conspiracy (with all the other player characters). In short (because I don't want to spoil the fantastic plot which is available for other people to play), when we found the 'bad guy' base in 1920's New York, I went in with one of the other guys armed with a Tommy Gun, a switchblade, and a healthy amount of TNT, and we wiped out 4 city blocks. 

As we raced across the world to stop their leader we were chased by the police for our actions in NY, which was kind of inevitable given the previous statement. A silly thing of note in the game was that one of our number (despite whatever dice he used) consistently got critical headshots to such an extreme that the GM actually started giving all of the bad guys magical bullet-proof bubble-shields on their heads. Because I was a combat-character, it was the Nemesis System, and I was still generally botching every important roll in the game I didn't last much longer than the first few sessions but had a great time because it was extremely story driven (as opposed to combat or XP/Loot driven). The GM even let me finish the game with the group as a nondescript sailor the party rescued from the clutches of the evil cultists in Egypt!

So that's been my botch-tastic experience with Roleplaying... Feel free to share your own memorable experiences...

Shadow of the Catlossus